fairweather friend

too many emotions and hardly any words. i hate being lied to. that's it. it makes me so crazy, with sadness, with madness. it is always the ones you trust the most that hurt you the most..... and the most hurt i've ever felt has been from the one person who i've always trusted more than anything, with anything.

i don't care about factors and situations....

when is it ever okay to be dishonest? to lie? to be a true coward?

especially to someone you said meant everything to you?

or was that a lie?

see now i don't know where one line begins and the other ends. this is my brain process...

what is true? what is not?

and then i just stop and tell myself that i need to move on.

but i can't because like it or not you meant something to me.

and to be so betrayed and made to feel like this again.....

my head is spinning in circles and i don't know what to do. i don't think there is anything i can do, but i like to at least pretend i still have some control over my emotions.

"like the sea i'm constantly changing from calm to ill"

the part that upsets me the most is that all this brings out a side in me that is just nasty. i want so badly to be mean, to say hurtful things, to yell, to degrade you. i know i can not do this, and i really truly don't want to. i am finally learning control over the actions my emotions provoke.

if it is so easy for people who "love" us to hurt us, who can we ever really trust? can anyone please shed some insight?