When I was 11 years old I had my first panic attack, at a school dance, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt like I wasn't real, like I was in a dream, and it was terrifying. Besides scaring myself, I scared my friends, and I was lucky one of the adults recognized my feelings as a panic attack. My mom came to get me, fully aware and sympathetic to panic disorder, but I was so confused and scared. Every waking moment I was terrified that I was going to have another panic attack, because I had no idea where it came from in the first place. I saw a therapist and after a while I managed to understand what anxiety is, how to control it, and how not to be afraid of it. I carried this with me all through middle school, high school, college in New York, and college in Boston. Anxiety was never a "problem" for me, just healthy fear like most other people.
Upon graduating college, a lot of my friends went back home, out of state, and the ones that didn't I had to leave when I moved back home to Maine. I never wanted to come back here, I was used to living on my own and I had big plans for myself. But I didn't have any money (oh wait, I still don't.) So I thought the only option I had was to come home, get a job, and start saving up my money, so I could continue on living. At the time I was excited about this because it seemed so simple. But when reality sunk in, when I realized how much money I owe in student loans starting in November, when I realized I no longer have any type of insurance, and when I realized NO ONE is hiring, my anxiety started coming back. Naturally. I started having problems with anxiety again, but I assumed it would be easily cured once I got a job. Even upon getting hired, the process took so long that it wasn't helping.
The point is, my anxiety kept snowballing and growing and for the first time in my life I don't know how to control it. I am constantly afraid of something, I have convinced myself of so many irrational things, I even have physical anxiety symptoms I have never experienced before. Realizing that this is a ridiculous way to live, I went to see my doctor (yes without insurance, fml) and she prescribed me Celexa. I took it and went about doing errands with my dad.
When we got home I started feeling really sick and laid down for a nap. When I woke up, my stomach felt better but I didn't feel right. I felt so depersonalized. I didn't feel like myself. It was really scary. I took an Ativan to try to get rid of it. It didn't really help. I went to work for a few hours and just felt like a zombie. I came home and took another Ativan and tried to go to sleep. I woke up every few hours, my heart was racing, I was terrified, and I didn't know why. I got up at about 7:30am the next day and told my dad what was going on. It's all kind of a blur now. I just remember everything about my body was speeding. I felt like a different person. I was scared and I was sad. I called my doctor and she told me to just take deep breaths. Okaaaay, lady. I was in and out of sleep when finally around 1:30 my mom told me she was taking me to the hospital. Here's where shit really gets interesting.
We get to the hospital and wait for a while, not surprising. Finally this lady comes and checks me in and take's me to the "Behavioral Unit" where she takes my purse and makes me take my shoes off and I have to walk through a metal detector. She doesn't give me my stuff back and she gets me some scrubs and I have to go in this bathroom and take everything off and put them on. On the top left hand side of the shirt it said "ER Crisis Unit." WTF. I didn't even get my shoes back. I go sit out in this room with my mom and I started crying. I felt like this was the worst possible place for me, because I already felt crazy enough. A few different people kept calling me into this room and asking me all the same questions. "Are you suicidal?" "Are you homicidal?" Um, no. I am scared. I felt like a crazy person. There was another lady sitting next to me in this waiting room and she was crying. I told my mom I am not like these people and I shouldn't be here. Then I realized I looked exactly like the other lady crying.
Then enter Katie. This girl made me so uncomfortable because she talked a lot and she was known by name by every nurse and security guard in this place. She had been here many times before. I don't know why but she decided to sit next to me and she didn't stop talking until the moment I left. At first I was really uneasy but then I realized she made me laugh a lot, like any other person on this earth has done. The first thing she asked was, "Do you like my hair?" It was really short and uneven. I had said yes, that it was cute. And she goes "I did it myself. I was angry." She told me all about her crushes in Harry Potter and in Twilight. I had no idea who she was talking about but I pretended I did. Then she showed me her stuffed animal turtle. It was named "Turtle Turtle" after some movie, and her friend had given it to her before he died. She then spoke about how when she graduated they called her by her real name, and she hated her real name. Why? I asked. She explained that she was named after her grandmother, and her grandmother was a really bad person. And she goes, "Remember my friend who died? Yeah... She didn't like him very much." I could only assume her grandmother had something to do with his death by the way that she said it, but who knows. She explained how her mother hits her and calls her a slut and a tramp. She told me she once was engaged to a guy, who bought her engagement ring from Wal-Mart. It wasn't even a diamond, it was a cubic zirconia. This guy is highly allergic to peanuts, and one day he decided to take a jar of peanut butter into the bathroom and eat it. He survived, and when he woke up in the hospital she threw the ring at him and left him. She then told me she is bisexual and once gave a girl a really expensive engagement ring. The girl had said yes, but a week later she left Katie for someone else. Apparently the fleeing fiance had taken a picture of herself and her new lover kissing in the rain, which really upset Katie because that is how Katie and her had their first kiss, in the rain. She even told me how old she was when she lost her virginity, and how puberty went for her. She finally admitted that Turtle Turtle is so special to her because her dead friend's spirit lives in it. And her new boyfriend, whom she met in a psychiatric ward, will only sleep with Turtle Turtle if she tells her friend's spirit to leave. Her new boyfriend works at KFC, but Katie is not allowed in there anymore because she talks to all the customers. She prides herself in knowing every cop in the Portland area, because someone is always calling them on her because she throws hissy fits. She was kissing her boyfriend one day and some passerby yelled something dumb at them, and she pulled a knife on them and threatened to kill them. She thought this was hysterical, and I laughed. Katie is 19 years old. The thing that amazed me the most about this girl, is that she seemed so happy. I can't imagine living a life like her, and going through everything she has gone through. But she doesn't let it get her down. I was ashamed that I was so uncomfortable around her at first, but she is human. She made me laugh, she made me smile, she made me feel, like any other person can do. She is different, but she is still so much the same.
When I was talking with the nurse practitioner, another guy got checked in and befriended Katie. If she didn't already have a BF, I'd say it was love. He talked a lot too. He said he was walking 3 miles from somewhere to home because he doesn't have a car, and he fainted, because he can't eat, because he got fired. He then went into detail about this genius business plan he has, but I couldn't follow along. I told him it sounded really brilliant, and I gave him some halloween candy my mom had stuffed in her purse.
So come to find out, my doctor had prescribed me a 20mg dose of anxiety medication, when usually people are supposed to start out on 5mg. And I am apparently sensitive to medications. Thus my horrible reaction. But the real story lies within the "ER Crisis Unit." I felt like I was in Girl Interrupted. It was such a scary/magnificent experience. And though I thought that place would have such a negative effect on me, it turns out I learned a lot. And in turn it made me feel a lot better. Cuz here I am worrying over nothing, and these people have real problems and are happier than I am.
Anyways, I couldn't text anyone about this during my 4 hour stint in the ER CC since they confiscated all my stuff, did I mention my shoes as well?? I was walking around in socks. So weird. I really wanted to talk about this whole experience because it was so new and different to me. SO here it is. For whoever wants to read it.
